I am avoiding talking about my heartbreak in nearly a threefold but before I start publishing that post I wanted to share something else. It’s something that I keep telling my friends repeatedly. (This post is a bit of an internal dialogue).
This world is extremely powerful in terms of energy. The forces of nature are so gigantic on the inside. Let alone all the energy externally. It’s sometimes too much for me and I can’t imagine being the only one. A lot happens in the world I disagree with. It’s enough to make persons doubt themselves. Some get mad by insecurity.
Humans are social animals therefore we sometimes cling to opinions from our peers. It gets confusing when their opinions contradict our feelings. I often explain them that your person consists in two selfs. Your higher self that always knows that you are good enough & your lower self, what I call your ego. Your ego is yearning for approval, and is ever so insatiable. It will always want more and more. Unfortunately, this will never stop. You carry both these selfs with you, till you die. One is always accompanied by the other. The trick is to listen more to what your higher self is telling you; You are whole, you are enough and you are good. This is real.
I got comments about being so sure of oneself, doesn’t it lead to arrogance? Or isn’t it healthy to doubt oneself? Listening to your higher self doesn’t make you arrogant at all. It’s an equivalent for self-love and knowing your own worth.
There is a difference between who you are and how you handle things. It’s good to think to yourself; maybe I shouldn’t have reacted that way or I should have approached him with more compassion. Those are healthy doubts. Remember; You as a person are always good enough. The world needs people like you and the universe loves you no matter how lost and insignificant you feel.
It doesn’t mean that you should ignore your ego, your fears, your sadness or anger. Ignoring feelings never made a person much better. All of your pain and emotions are a part of you. It’s what I like to call presents. I visualise a present as a box of emotions (some call them baggage, whatever flows your boat right?). Everybody has boxes throughout the day and throughout their lives. Not all those presents are rainbows and butterflies, most of them carry our pain. Many people avoid opening their present because they don’t want to be confronted with what is inside of them. The ones who avoid opening, usually passes it on to others. And we open other presents to avoid opening ours. On short-term this might occupy us but we won’t learn from it and we deny others the chance of learning from opening their own present. When one does open their present it means one is taking responsibility for their own actions. You will have a chance to grow. I’m not saying you will immediately feel growth, despite the fact that you confront yourself with your fears and flaws you feel rather overwhelmed and scared (and lost!). This is how you know that you are on the right path.
You always have the right to be sad, happy or angry (or whatever feeling creeps into your mind). Character is not about what you feel but about what you do with them. Ask yourself next time, what am I feeling really? Why am I feeling like this? How will I react to this now? Will this help my situation?
Before you start thinking that your ego is just a little unwanted monster inside of you that you need to get rid of, it has a purpose. Fear was developed for survival. Ego isn’t just what makes you human. It makes you feel human and fighting your humanity isn’t much of an option. So embrace that little monster. It is maybe not who you are but it is part of you.
More about insecurities; since a couple of months I’ve been trying to write a book. Which explains my silence. I have more words to share than just my humble opinion in a blog post.
When I started writing my head was wild with ideas. However, the words just didn’t seem to come. I started reading books and I felt overwhelmed by envy (but I was determined). Why is it that so many have written beautiful pieces and I can’t seem to put a sentence together? Sometimes I’d read for weeks without writing and I felt like I was starting to give up. That’s hard for artists. I started comparing myself to great writers. I had to tell myself ‘everything goes with a process’. You can’t compare yourself to an other. For they are not you and you are not them (duh, but we still do it!). Their process have been differently and that doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed. Take your time and try again. Practise and breath.
If you ever feel overwhelmed and you feel this insignificant projection of yourself, just repeat after me;
I matter. My feelings matter.
Let me know what you think by commenting!
p.s. after re-reading this I decided that this post will be edited (once I find the right time)
I’m not sorry that I didn’t post much the past two months. I appreciate my readers one by one but unfortunately I had a lot on my plate that needed to be cleared up. I don’t like sharing negative thoughts but I realize they make me more honest so I will share it, just not this time. Thank you for understanding and I hope you’ll be happy with the little moments that brightened up my days instead.
It was the smell of the soil and the mud on my boots that I found the spirit of the nature. We have had a wet summer but there were days of intense warmth and brightness. With the swinging basket in one hand I tried to find a way through the soft black sand on the pathway. I’m walking on my dad’s side in the forest and we talk about how much we love to be in the nature as a train rumbles through. We’re picking blackberries and our harvest isn’t as much as we hoped but we’re still glad in the end. We make marmelade out of it and it was a treat to eat it with rice crackers.
In between a chaos of emotions I meet Jessica in Utrecht. I’ve made a plan beforehand about looking for yarn shops and I can never quite control myself over the many beautiful yarns. We dug into a beadies shop that we both fall in love with. Coming back from my trip, I’m overwhelmed with a familiar feeling of home. It feels good to lie in bed with my fluffy little cat. She licks my face like a small dog as if I was gone for a whole month.
It’s 27th of August and my dad and I spent most of our day driving to my grandmother for her birthday and have a celebration at her place and in a nearby secondhand-store. She’s all I have left as a grandparent and I share a side of myself with her that I hardly share with others. Not many people understand the part of me of how connected I feel to the environment around me. It inspires me throughout all the art I’ve been creating for the past four years.
Meanwhile my grandmother and my father get into a conversation, I see my way to sneak into my grandmothers art gallery. She’s a painter by intuition and documents what she sees and what she feels.
One day, Melissa comes to visit me all the way to this place and I am left with infinite gratitude. ‘I was there for her when she needed it, now it was her time to return the favor’, although I never expected it. I am almost in tears of happiness when I see her. I am hyper from the coffee I drank and we talk the afternoon away in a language only we understand.
The quiet streets of the village that I live in has left me quite isolated from friends. The tranquility is calming but it is also leaving me with a certain boredom. I have night-walks in perfect solitude to clear my mind.
These moments of joy leave me soaring above the ground. I can feel the gravity letting me go and I’m so light it lifts me up. I could see everything from above. Not everything is clear enough to see and I wonder what my part is in all this. Sometimes with a little distance, events seem to change so much that it leaves you startled. It’s not exactly panic but you become aware that there might be more to it that you initially thought there was. Sometimes it leaves me broken. However, I can’t deny it affects my perspective. Is that why I need the distance. Is that what is happening to me? That I set my feelings apart, the joy and the sorrow? Somehow I am more calm about it than I have ever been. Everything will be fine in the end. I know it.
my grandmother’s self-portrait
My grandmother’s painting of me when I was younger.
My grandmother’s painting of the image my father took two years ago on her birthday A rare self-portrait of me.
My life’s ‘rune’. (and Yoko in the background).