Summer has been a whirlwind of chaos and launching of projects and more.
I promised to post more. So enjoy this little post of mine.
October is almost coming to an end again. I shot a campaign for M&G.
It was a tough time to break free. I had some pretty intense thoughts about life. Thoughts of despair but luckily also very uplifting thoughts.
We adopted a kitten. She’s grown already a lot. I couldn’t be more happy about her. Expect lots of images of her. Her name is Yoko.
Sophie’s outfit for Sophie’s blog
The month was eye-opening by a girl that took my art for granted and I will most likely never hear of her again. I don’t mean to talk bad about anyone but the feelings I’ve been through as she played me for a fool went deep. I’d run to A. crying that I’ve been mistreated and that it’s better to give up on photography. I wasn’t made for it.
Luckily I didn’t.
However I used my energy for something better. I collected my dreams altogether and worked even harder. I contacted great photographers to feed my deep desire to connect with creatives such as myself. As a person I’m very to myself that’s why being a photographer came so naturally to me but it’s also very lonely. And that loneliness resulted in some nights of having no inspiration at all and asking myself if I haven’t become too self obsessed.
In the beginning of my journey this all wasn’t possible and I love how much I’ve grown.
I became more skilled as a creative director as that has become a part of my identity. It is hard to explain. Writing out ideas had been one of my childhood dreams as I’ve always wanted to grow up being a writer. But then I focussed more on the visual until I became good enough for eyes to seek recognition.
What I wanted was to create something that was relatable to others but I had been filtering my writings. Too many people interfered that it dazzled me. And if you’re a tiny bit of a perfectionist as me you’d rather come with nothing than something you don’t feel for hundred precent. But it was also the uncertainty of how it would be interpret by the forces of internet. It was fear. Not so much that I didn’t want to. I was afraid to hurt people that were close. My family warned me about what I wrote about them and it made me conscious about sharing fragments of their private lives. Who was I to do so and the last thing I wanted was to end up hurting them as they mean more to me than I express in daily life.
It was impossible to be honest with my journal online and leave out the parts that were obviously, parts of me but weren’t always mine to share. Even my love life was an issue to me for sharing. I could romanticize every happening with him. Cause I like to point out the beauty in us more than I’d like to see the bad but I held my pen without writing anything about it. I’m guilty again for not sharing everything I had written on us.
We went to Maastricht in June. I’d not photograph much. I didn’t document it all.
I loved the rain during summer. It would cool down the air, freshened it. It silenced the people outside. It somehow excited me and more important listening to the sound of falling drops of water gave me an eerie sense of feeling. Like I was safe in a bubble inside. Where it was dry and him next to me. When thunderstorm came I was both scared and inspired.
Restless I have been. By the chaos of life and the excitement of being.
July has been a great hostess this year. She provided us with enough motivation to set up.
It was the start of something new. I whispered to a friend if she liked my idea of setting up a big shoot, to gain some friends. Expand our world with creativity. The idea was born for ‘the beginning of the end’.
It all started some time back. I noticed that some of my friends didn’t understand the magic of photography. I wanted something more and yet sometimes the ideas that I had could’t be realized, it brought me down.. I had plans but didn’t know how to realize them. I knew what I wanted and I told myself I wasn’t ready.
Years went by unfortunately and I gained friends that were into the fashion photography, they liked my work. Some modelled for me, some helped me with the clothes or the make up. It was hard wanting something else than being creative with your friends than whenever I wasn’t I had no mood to see any of them. I was self centered and obsessed but luckily the bestest of friends forgave me for my foolishness. I’m not going to try and justify but I know as no other that if you want something bad enough no person can come between. And if your friends are really true they want you to achieve your goals. But I feel bad at times. Loosing people out of sight and feeling homesick to the times I’ve shared with some of the best people I’ve met. But there is a reason why it all ended.
Before the age of adulthood I was in a different state. Surely because I found the real passion between my ribs much later but it was always there. Before that I inhaled the past so deep it became toxic. I could remember every happening as I felt in that previous moment. I was the one with a memory as hard as stone. Photography was my therapy and later became my life. I am more looking forward than I used to be. Sometimes I think deeply about the girl I was. With shameful but genius eyes to the world.
One of those months I also met Jessica. We had an instant connection. Little did I know that meeting her brought me so many other adventures. But that will come the next time I will blog again. The last picture is the camera-shy Jessica who doesn’t have a beautiful soul only but is also a gorgeous person on the outside.