I’m not sorry that I didn’t post much the past two months. I appreciate my readers one by one but unfortunately I had a lot on my plate that needed to be cleared up. I don’t like sharing negative thoughts but I realize they make me more honest so I will share it, just not this time. Thank you for understanding and I hope you’ll be happy with the little moments that brightened up my days instead.
It was the smell of the soil and the mud on my boots that I found the spirit of the nature. We have had a wet summer but there were days of intense warmth and brightness. With the swinging basket in one hand I tried to find a way through the soft black sand on the pathway. I’m walking on my dad’s side in the forest and we talk about how much we love to be in the nature as a train rumbles through. We’re picking blackberries and our harvest isn’t as much as we hoped but we’re still glad in the end. We make marmelade out of it and it was a treat to eat it with rice crackers.
In between a chaos of emotions I meet Jessica in Utrecht. I’ve made a plan beforehand about looking for yarn shops and I can never quite control myself over the many beautiful yarns. We dug into a beadies shop that we both fall in love with. Coming back from my trip, I’m overwhelmed with a familiar feeling of home. It feels good to lie in bed with my fluffy little cat. She licks my face like a small dog as if I was gone for a whole month.
It’s 27th of August and my dad and I spent most of our day driving to my grandmother for her birthday and have a celebration at her place and in a nearby secondhand-store. She’s all I have left as a grandparent and I share a side of myself with her that I hardly share with others. Not many people understand the part of me of how connected I feel to the environment around me. It inspires me throughout all the art I’ve been creating for the past four years.
Meanwhile my grandmother and my father get into a conversation, I see my way to sneak into my grandmothers art gallery. She’s a painter by intuition and documents what she sees and what she feels.
One day, Melissa comes to visit me all the way to this place and I am left with infinite gratitude. ‘I was there for her when she needed it, now it was her time to return the favor’, although I never expected it. I am almost in tears of happiness when I see her. I am hyper from the coffee I drank and we talk the afternoon away in a language only we understand.
The quiet streets of the village that I live in has left me quite isolated from friends. The tranquility is calming but it is also leaving me with a certain boredom. I have night-walks in perfect solitude to clear my mind.
These moments of joy leave me soaring above the ground. I can feel the gravity letting me go and I’m so light it lifts me up. I could see everything from above. Not everything is clear enough to see and I wonder what my part is in all this. Sometimes with a little distance, events seem to change so much that it leaves you startled. It’s not exactly panic but you become aware that there might be more to it that you initially thought there was. Sometimes it leaves me broken. However, I can’t deny it affects my perspective. Is that why I need the distance. Is that what is happening to me? That I set my feelings apart, the joy and the sorrow? Somehow I am more calm about it than I have ever been. Everything will be fine in the end. I know it.
my grandmother’s self-portrait
My grandmother’s painting of me when I was younger.
My grandmother’s painting of the image my father took two years ago on her birthday A rare self-portrait of me.
My life’s ‘rune’. (and Yoko in the background).