Autumn leaves


I am avoiding talking about my heartbreak in nearly a threefold but before I start publishing that post I wanted to share something else. It’s something that I keep telling my friends repeatedly. (This post is a bit of an internal dialogue).

This world is extremely powerful in terms of energy. The forces of nature are so gigantic on the inside. Let alone all the energy externally. It’s sometimes too much for me and I can’t imagine being the only one. A lot happens in the world I disagree with. It’s enough to make persons doubt themselves. Some get mad by insecurity.
Humans are social animals therefore we sometimes cling to opinions from our peers. It gets confusing when their opinions contradict our feelings. I often explain them that your person consists in two selfs. Your higher self that
always knows that you are good enough & your lower self, what I call your ego. Your ego is yearning for approval, and is ever so insatiable. It will always want more and more. Unfortunately, this will never stop. You carry both these selfs with you, till you die. One is always accompanied by the other. The trick is to listen more to what your higher self is telling you; You are whole, you are enough and you are good. This is real.

I got comments about being so sure of oneself, doesn’t it lead to arrogance? Or isn’t it healthy to doubt oneself? Listening to your higher self doesn’t make you arrogant at all. It’s an equivalent for self-love and knowing your own worth.
There is a difference between who you are and how you handle things. It’s good to think to yourself; maybe I shouldn’t have reacted that way or I should have approached him with more compassion. Those are healthy doubts. Remember; You as a person are always good enough. The world needs people like you and the universe loves you no matter how lost and insignificant you feel.

It doesn’t mean that you should ignore your ego, your fears, your sadness or anger. Ignoring feelings never made a person much better. All of your pain and emotions are a part of you. It’s what I like to call presents. I visualise a present as a box of emotions (some call them baggage, whatever flows your boat right?). Everybody has boxes throughout the day and throughout their lives. Not all those presents are rainbows and butterflies, most of them carry our pain. Many people avoid opening their present because they don’t want to be confronted with what is inside of them. The ones who avoid opening, usually passes it on to others. And we open other presents to avoid opening ours. On short-term this might occupy us but we won’t learn from it and we deny others the chance of learning from opening their own present. When one does open their present it means one is taking responsibility for their own actions. You will have a chance to grow. I’m not saying you will immediately feel growth, despite the fact that you confront yourself with your fears and flaws you feel rather overwhelmed and scared (and lost!). This is how you know that you are on the right path.

You always have the right to be sad, happy or angry (or whatever feeling creeps into your mind). Character is not about what you feel but about what you do with them. Ask yourself next time, what am I feeling really? Why am I feeling like this? How will I react to this now? Will this help my situation?

Before you start thinking that your ego is just a little unwanted monster inside of you that you need to get rid of, it has a purpose. Fear was developed for survival. Ego isn’t just what makes you human. It makes you feel human and fighting your humanity isn’t much of an option. So embrace that little monster. It is maybe not who you are but it is part of you. 


More about insecurities; since a couple of months I’ve been trying to write a book. Which explains my silence. I have more words to share than just my humble opinion in a blog post.

When I started writing my head was wild with ideas. However, the words just didn’t seem to come. I started reading books and I felt overwhelmed by envy (but I was determined). Why is it that so many have written beautiful pieces and I can’t seem to put a sentence together? Sometimes I’d read for weeks without writing and I felt like I was starting to give up. That’s hard for artists. I started comparing myself to great writers. I had to tell myself ‘everything goes with a process’. You can’t compare yourself to an other. For they are not you and you are not them (duh, but we still do it!). Their process have been differently and that doesn’t mean that you won’t succeed. Take your time and try again. Practise and breath.

If you ever feel overwhelmed and you feel this insignificant projection of yourself, just repeat after me;
I matter. My feelings matter


Let me know what you think by commenting!
x M.


p.s. after re-reading this I decided that this post will be edited (once I find the right time)


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11 responses

  1. Good mantra to repeat.
    My brother who is a writer, poet and essayist and novelist, said to me once reading is writing.

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